Something is not going your way, and you're frustrated.
You might notice yourself saying things like:
- Why is this happening to me?
- This shouldn't be happening.
- They shouldn't be doing that.
- This is unacceptable.
It can seem like life is riddled with things designed to push your hot buttons. From big challenges in your relationships, career, health or finances, through to tiny irritations day to day.
You might feel completely justified in being upset about what's going on.
But whenever you notice yourself saying, “It shouldn't be this way”, you're in resistance and you're on a quick ride to pain city.
There is no other outcome available when you resist the facts of the present moment.
Resistance guarantees you will suffer.
Why? Because what is happening around you in that moment is fact, and unchangeable in that moment. It is what it is.
If you don't accept the facts, then you reject the facts.
Rejection of the facts is resistance.
Resistance = pain.
The Cold Hard Truth
Resistance steals your life from you.
And the cold hard truth is that you do it to yourself.
The world around you is not causing your pain and suffering, as hard as that is to stomach.
All the things going wrong, the outcomes not meeting your expectations, the difficult people and challenging circumstances – it all just is. It's happening. It's fact.
What causes the suffering is your reaction to it.
The only way to end that suffering, is to stop resisting what is going on.
“What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is?” – Eckhart Tolle
See the insanity of resistance…
- You say, “It shouldn't be this way!”
- And yet it is this way.
- So you are arguing with fact.
- Who is going to win?
You will never win fighting against life.
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen” – Eckhart Tolle
The more you resist what is happening, the more tangled in upset you become.
The deeper you go into that upset, the less clear and capable you are of creating any positive way forward out of the situation you don't like.
As a result, it seems like whatever is upsetting you becomes worse, or at the very least it continues to stay in your life, or show up in different costumes.
It's like problems follow you around. Negative people get drawn in like magnets. One problem leads to another. That's because…
And the cycle of things going wrong, and you being upset, continues until you stop resisting.
Check out this Daily Inspiration video I did with steps to help you get out of resistance right now…
1. Start with a Choice
You eventually get to a point in life where you're done with resisting, simply because you're done with the pain.
You start to see the cost to you – impacts on your health, your happiness, your relationships, your career and much more.
I got to that point a few years ago. I'd spent my entire life trying to control the uncontrollable, getting frustrated at anything/anyone who didn't meet my expectations and freaking out whenever something didn't go the way I wanted.
Then something changed.
I finally made a new choice. I said, “Even though I don't like this, I'm done with resisting it. It's too exhausting.”
I got wise in that moment. I knew if I kept being that way with life, I was going to end up at the same destination every single time.
When you buy a ticket on the Resistance Train heading to Pain City, you know 100% that you will end up in Pain City! So just stop buying a ticket!
My rationale for this choice to stop resisting was quite logical. It went like this:
- I'm going to stop resisting because this “thing” is fact.
- Resistance is futile. It is a dead end.
- It has already happened / is already happening.
- I can't change that.
- Fighting it won't make a difference.
- There is no solution available in resistance.
- Being upset won't make it better.
- Being upset actually only makes it worse.
- If I resist, this persists, and I stay here stuck and upset.
- My only access point to feel better AND create solutions/positive change is to go into non-resistance.
- Non-resistance means I have to accept the facts.
- Accepting this situation doesn't mean it has to stay this way.
- Accepting this situation doesn't mean I have to like it or pretend it's somehow good.
- Accepting this situation is just me saying, “I see the facts. I'm sane enough to acknowledge this”
- Accepting this situation actually makes me feel more peaceful.
- Feeling more peaceful gives me back my energy.
- Now that I feel peaceful I can do something positive to effect change in this situation.
- I can think more clearly and give all my precious energy to helpful decisions and action.
2. Get Calm!
Now that you've made a logical choice to stop resisting, it's time to calm yourself down. Logic alone doesn't do that!
It is incredibly challenging, as I found out, to get out of non-resistance when you're really emotional. Even if you logically really want to stop resisting, your emotional state will either hinder you or help you.
So if you're worked up, your job is to get yourself into a physiological and emotional state that supports you.
This means DO something to support yourself to feel better, to calm down.
You have to get tough with yourself, and not make up excuses, and not continue to feed your story of resistance. It can be alluring to do nothing, and continue blaming, complaining, crying, questioning … and perpetuating the pain while delaying your peace.
Simple ways to feel better and calm down include:
- Be still, restore, treat yourself with care
- Do diaphragmatic breathing
- Do EFT/tapping
- Listen to calming or empowering music
- Go into nature
- Exercise, yoga, walking
Engage in some type of ritual that feels good to you, to interrupt the painful thought/feeling cycle you are caught within.
3. See This Drama Differently!
Now you've made the logical choice to stop resisting, and you've calmed yourself down, it's time to get real.
In order to stop resisting, you need to have a higher perspective about what is going on.
Seeing things differently will help immensely with letting go and staying in non-resistance.
It's not enough to stop resisting just because someone else told you to, and it seems like the “right” thing to do, and you “should” do it.
You want to be fully onboard with non-resistance, accepting it as your best way forward.
That way, if your mind kicks back into a negative thought pattern again, you'll be ready to interrupt it and coach yourself on a new higher perspective about the REASON you're facing this frustrating situation and why you've chosen not to resist it.
I like to do this by considering 3 reasons why I might have ended up in this messy, frustrating situation in the first place. If I can see why it has happened to me, it gives me back a sense of clarity, control and personal power.
I'm sure you agree, there is nothing worse than feeling like things have no meaning and there is no sense of order as to why you end up where you do!
Just try these on for size, and use them to prompt you to stop resisting and start accepting. These aren't necessarily “truth”, they're simply opportunities to choose a new perspective that works better for you.
Reason 1 – I Got Myself Here
Maybe, somehow, I got myself here by my own doing.
What is happening to me is because of my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, choices, behavior or actions.
Consciously or unconsciously, I might have contributed to this outcome that I'm upset about and resisting.
If that's the case, the only way I can truly be onboard with non-resistance is if I OWN this. I have to be self-responsible, accountable and ask…
- What is there for me to learn about myself and life because of this situation?
- How can I be differently in future that will help me avoid this again?
- What can I do differently in future that will lead to better outcomes?
This is all about creating a change on the inside of yourself, so that you don't repeat a pattern.
Recognition of your role in getting yourself into the mud is what will create evolution in who you are.
Reason 2 – Life Served Me Up an Assignment
Maybe I didn't get myself here by own doing. But maybe life just served me up this challenge for a reason.
Maybe this thing I'm resisting is here to trigger me into my next level of awareness and growth on this life journey – calling me to stand up and be more personally powerful.
Maybe life is saying, “Let's see what you got!”
Think about… how do you grow in life?
What most people don't like to admit, because they don't want to encourage life to give them more (!), is that the greatest growth you will experience in your life is through adversity.
It just is.
The more you accept this, the less you will fight against challenges when they arise.
So, with whatever you're resisting, ask yourself, “What is life asking me to be right now?”
Maybe you're being asked to practise being more peaceful, more accepting, more creative, more courageous, more forgiving, clearer in your boundaries or better in your communication.
What is being asked of me and what do I need to practise right now?
Reason 3 – I am Meant to Shine
If neither of the above two reasons resonate with you as to why you ended up facing this situation you're so resistant to, then consider this…
Maybe you've been planted in that situation because you have light within you and that situation needs your light.
That person, group or circumstance needs what you have.
So you've been put in the middle of it and your job is to turn your light on.
How else do we elevate the planet unless someone stands up and turns on a light in the darkness?
In little moments of daily life, all over this planet, people are being moved energetically to be in the right place at the right time, to shine their little hearts out. To elevate themselves and to lift others up at the same time.
Summary – How to Stop Resisting Life
- If you're feeling super frustrated, and you have to say it just to get it out, then say it once and only once, “I'm frustrated and it shouldn't be this way.”
- Make a logical choice to stop resisting.
- Calm yourself (body and emotional system) with rituals
- Look at the situation differently and claim personal power in doing so – something magnificent is available to you if you a) be self-responsible and take your learning, b) accept life's invitation to evolve to the next level or c) be the light for others
- Take action where action is appropriate – once in a state of acceptance, your mental and emotional state supports you to take effective action to help improve the situation as best you can.
I hope this has helped you and you're ready to stop resisting and start accepting!
I'd love to hear from you so please do leave a comment below.
With love, Bernadette
Thank you..Very Good information..
You’re welcome Toni! Glad to share this with you. Best wishes, Bernadette
How do you determine when to let go or when to stop resisting….I’ve tried for over three years to build a relationship with my husbands three adult daughters. They don’t want the relationship. I’ve extended physical gifts to all adult kids/grandkids Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, first day of spring….you name it. I’ve invested valuable time, shared knowledge, watched the grandkids, hosted parties, etc. The kindness is not reciprocated. I have three children (14,16,18) and it hurts me and probably them that they don’t even get as much as a text for their birthdays let alone any other type of recognition from their adult step sisters. I am hurt by their lack of trying. I believe for my sake and happiness it’s time to give up…
And by the way…..thank you for this site and your insight. It all makes sense. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I pray you have a blessed day today and always.
Hi Linda, you’re welcome, glad the website and insights are helpful for you. I understand your situation, and it’s about coming to a space of acceptance about what is, and then deciding from there whether you CHOOSE to continue giving because that is what you want to do (to give and express love), while not having an expectation of reciprocity. Or whether you choose to not invest more energy there. The time to stop resisting is ALWAYS now. There is no situation when resistance is helpful in this regard. The only question is, from a state of acceptance, do I choose to continue giving and loving and investing in this situation positively (AND letting go of expectation), OR do I choose to let go of it all and walk away (letting go of not only expectation but also of intention to have a relationship and foster this). If you need help, you can join me for a coaching session and we can work through this together powerfully to get you into a state of non-resistance, acceptance and clarity about what you want and a plan to activate that so you can step into peace and more flow in the best direction for you. Here’s a link with details and booking online: https://www.bernadettelogue.com/life-coach/ Best wishes, Bernadette
I’m talking about giving up on life. Yes I have sought help @ 30 yrs of it. Mainly low cost. I’m now 53. I’ve been hospitalized @5 times. Tried ECT 9 times. I take high doses of meds to keep my suicidal thoughts away. I’ve tried suicide a few times but not a foolproof method, obviously. I haven’t worked for 5 yrs instead I’ve been draining my Retirement Savings. I’m American & that’s been the easiest thing at hand. But there’s a 10% fee for taking it out & I get taxed on the income. I don’t have friends, kids or a relationship pretty much due to Depression. No pet in case I do kill myself. I don’t like myself. Haven’t followed through on things I was good at. Also have on/off problems w/pot & alcohol. I’m getting older & losing my looks which I find hard to accept. I’ve got many issues about myself. I’m good at not taking care of myself or my possessions. I’ve had Depression/Anxiety since childhood. I’m not a bad person but not much of a good one either. Sadly, I don’t know if I want to change or “stop resisting” although what u say makes sense. I have a BA in Studio Art but don’t care for it much anymore. Survived in NYC for 25 yrs both w/financial help & working. I’ve never made it passed 4 yrs in a job. I was spoiled, never really learned discipline or how to cope correctly. I finally have learned that only I can manage my Depression. I have family but no support. I came back home to Upstate NY to help take care of my Mom but due to Depression my brother never really allowed me too much time w/my Mom. She’s gone now. Oh and my Bro criticized everything I did & I wasn’t allowed to drive & I don’t have a car although I badly need one. Sometimes I’m a walker. I fight all the healthy things I could do. But staying in bed is not going to kill me, only my spirit. I often do this till I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want a dumb job & I’m no longer qualified for a better one. Plus I’m scared of the stress. I’m slow & detail oriented. Worry about most things. I do enjoy nature. Have been slowly getting into flowers/vegetables. I wish I could go back to college for a diff degree. I’m lonely but miserable. So lousy at self-discipline. Still have same suggestions for me? I read this over and cringe. Doesnt death seem simpler?
Hi and thank you so much for being here and reaching out to share your journey and where you’re at. Yes… I still have suggestions for you! There is always a way, even if that way isn’t clear yet, and even if that way is challenging. One thing is for sure… you are NOT alone. So many people experience the things you’re going through too, and some of us have been through dark times and come out the other side. While I’m not saying I know what you’re going through to the extent you’ve mentioned, as it’s your personal experience and different to my path, I do know one thing… You are SO valuable, and important, and needed here in this life. And I send you every ounce of love and support and positive energy across the world to wherever you are, to know that your life matters, and that somehow, someway, things can be better. I have put a link below to one of my audios that thousands of people use every day to help them with feeling possibility, hope and light in their daily life, to counter the darkness of thoughts and to counter whatever challenges you face in daily life. If you are open to it, you could listen to this every day, perhaps start with a 30 day challenge for yourself… to listen every day in August, as the more we hear and experience these important messages, the more it ingrains in our mind and helps to shift our perspectives and energy. Of course this is in no way a substitute for the support you need from professional mental healthcare providers who can guide you at this time, I hope you have that professional support already? (If not, please do reach out now to someone in your local area e.g a doctor, therapist, a medical centre, or calling your local lifeline/helpline for mental health… they are there to support you. If you’re not sure who to call, ask a friend or family member to help you find that local support wherever you live). The audios I share with you are just a small complement and contribution to help on your journey. You can download the audio I mentioned free at the link below, and I hope it brings you some light at this time. I have also lots of other free audios you can download, so see how you like this one, and if you want others just email our support email and let us know and we’ll send you links to other downloads that may be useful for you. And it’s SO awesome that you love nature (same!), it’s so healing to spend time in nature. And also great to hear you’re getting into flowers and vegetables, so many qualities of these natural things that bring us vibrancy, balance, wellbeing and more. With love and warmest wishes, Bernadette https://www.bernadettelogue.com/400-powerfully-positive-affirmations/
Thank-you Bernadette for these inspirational words of wisdom. They are exactly what I needed to hear. It’s time for me to see what I’ve got and start shining my light on the unfortunate situation in which my husband and I find ourselves.
You’re welcome Sharon. Sending much love to you and your husband. May your strength rise up and your inner light shine! Bx
Thank you! I’m so tired if resisting, and I do know that I’m the reason for all this pain. I just wanted to cry and smashave my phone over something so small this afternoon, but I just walked away. I was still very very upset although I’d walked away, I was still in so much pain. Thank you for opening my eyes, I didn’t know of how to stop this pain and to see things differently, I’ve been blaming everyone and everything but not myself, I’ve never seen myself as a light in a situation or that life could be helping me to grow and be a better person. I will need to remind myself of these things over and over again. Thank you! Ngiyabonga kakhulu.
You’re very welcome, so glad to hear this was helpful, and sending best wishes to you for your journey! Thanks for being part of our community. Love, Bernadette
B-with continual love and gratitude for your wisdom that you share-my life is changing so positively and the peace that is coming to my soul and mind as a result is like fresh rain to a parched desert. I was so drained and discouraged and overwhelmed with the continual mind battles and negative thoughts and self talk and being so critical and mean and angry to myself for failing and falling short and not fitting in….a vicious circle. Probably what started to sort these things out in my life/mind set was you sharing in a few different videos/articles about resistance to the present situation a
person is facing. I had a LOT of resistance every day and a lot of pain that accompanied it. I got tired of it. It was wearing me out and ruining my spirit and affecting my kindness and it kept me in a continual spiral of self defeating thoughts and self pity. I just sat with that thought of resistance and mentally pulled that wall of resistance down because my soul was starving for peace and release. Then once that wall came down I started to allow myself to consider other areas in my life that contributed to the resistance and then my perfectionism became obvious. This mode has continued and allowed me to open up and grow so much. The resistance for me was to protect myself from facing reality for fear of the shame I would place upon myself for things not going well, and people not being helped by me and for myself, having this impossible goal to live up to every waking moment and going to bed every night with the word failure playing over and over again in my thoughts as I relived each situation that day that I didn’t do well with. I started being able to be honest with my struggles-my foggy paradigm and blurred lens of myself living my life-and embracing those things so that I could start seeing the real me with a clear view and a true paradigm of what my reality really is and the unlimited potential for what I am and will be-I would rather grow than be in despair!! It all started falling into place and I still am in awh of how putting in to practice what I have learned from you made things much easier to be able to process in areas of my life where I need help and change. The “resistance” has now turned into “what is this experience-situation-event that is placed before me been brought into my life to learn?” How will it help me grow? What can I take away from it to become better, stronger, braver, wiser, more loving to myself and others whatever it is that I need help with from the universe to be the person I am really capable of being? This led me to realize how difficult it is to love myself. I would do anything for anyone. I love animals. Kindness is my mantra. Yet I have not shown myself any of that and been my worst critic. My heart opened up and I got really emotional thinking back on all the years that I was so hard on myself, so unforgiving of my short comings and mistakes and by being like this it led to anxiety and fear. I know I’m on the right path to healing because there have been so many synchronicities and numbers and affirmations to encourage me and confirm these truths I am learning. Thank you for teaching me how to recognize false vs true interpretations in my life by cleaning up my foggy paradigm so that as you teach in your Mind Mastery workshop, “THEN THE POWER RESTS WITHIN ME FOR THE RESULTS I WANT IN MY LIFE,”. Now that is POWERFUL and POSITIVE!
Wow Louann. So much power in your message!!! Those questions that you are now using, in place of the old resistance… to ask yourself what experiences could be gifting you and how you can use them to your advantage… that is your soul rising up! And it’s also a deeply important moment when we realize we don’t show ourselves the same level of love and acceptance that we do to other people. It’s a moment to celebrate, as a turning point… that you can NOW treat yourself as the valuable being that you are, as equally as important as all others you counter on your journey. Many blessings to you! Love, B
Thank you very much, I am going through a lot at the moment, and this has helped me a lot.
You’re very welcome John. Glad this is helpful. Best wishes, Bernadette
Thank you B
I had a fallen out with my sister and brother. I told my sister she doesn’t support me in anything, owes me money for a phone bill, and asked her about our deceased dad when he was dying and she doesn’t want to answer my question. I went to counseling in 2007 when my dad died. She told me I was no longer her sister and don’t contact her ever again. I had a meltdown, was erratic, and went into counseling. My brother stayed away from me but said he supported me but I cannot understand why he wouldn’t come around. I told him I didn’t think his daughters like me and it was festering inside of me. I was slighted when his family would get together and I was never invited. So now he’s avoiding me. I am struggling with all this on my plate. I am very raw dealing with all of this but wanted to address all this stuff because it was bothering me. So my family has DISOWNED me. What would be the best way to move on?
Thanks for reaching out. Here are a couple of resources that might be useful based on what you’ve shared…
With much love,