Being judged by others can be a painful experience.
It's one of the few things that is guaranteed to evoke a seriously strong emotional reaction in most people.
That's because it hits the ego (and the heart!) hard.
The judgement of others can send us into painful feelings such as frustration, anger, hate, hurt, insecurity, fear or despair.
And being judged is actually unavoidable, right?
You can't control what other people think, say or do.
We learn all too quickly in life that everyone gets to have their own beliefs and opinions, and we can't stop them from voicing those.
Sometimes those beliefs and opinions will contradict our own.
And… sometimes those beliefs and opinions might cause them to tell us that what we're doing is “wrong” according to them.
So, how do we deal with being judged by others?
Life isn't about avoiding people who are judgmental.
Because the cold hard facts are… almost everyone IS judgmental!
Even you and me, from time to time! True, right?
We fall into judgement of others so easily.
And even when we're choosing to live consciously and doing our very best to be loving, sometimes our egos take over and we accidentally find ourselves being judgmental.
So rather than thinking it's possible to AVOID being judged by others, you're much better to accept that it happens sometimes, and equip yourself with powerful new perspectives to help yourself deal with it in a conscious, calm and detached way.
In this video about being judged, I'm sharing a personal experience of how I got triggered when a stranger judged me on a topic that really hit a raw nerve! And how I dealt with this and learned from it.
You can use this same approach next time you're being judged by someone…
How to Deal with Being Judged by Others
Tips on How to Deal with Being Judged
- It's not about you, it's about them.
- It doesn't matter what they think, it matters what you think.
- You don't have to convince them of anything.
- You don't need them to know the truth, you need to remind yourself of the truth.
- You don't need them to accept you or the situation, you need to come to your own acceptance of yourself and the situation.
- You can't stop them judging, so focus all your energy on detaching.
- AND… whenever you get REALLY triggered by someone judging you, consider that perhaps you're so upset because it hit a raw nerve. That raw nerve might be something you were already feeling insecure about. If so, then someone's judgement is just LIFE SHOWING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAL WITHIN.
28 Responses
Great topic! well explained! I am glad that your lovely dog is better again! woofs from phelix! :)k
Thanks Kris (and Phelix!!) 🙂
This is quite refreshing and life affirming. After having been thru A LOT of adversity in my life, I am learning how to LIVE, again. THANK YOU!!!
Thanks for your message Natalie, I send you very best wishes for your journey! Bernadette
Hello Bernadette
I love your way of making us aware of what is pushing our ” reactive” buttons. It is very insightful. I appreciate all your teachings. It is priceless!
But I have a question though, what do we do when we are working with colleagues who are difficult and judgmental? I find it very challenging to deal with, it is threatening situation because we want to secure our jobs by being accepted. I must admit I feel an urge to justify myself for a fair treatment…
Regards
Malika
Hi Malika, I understand what you mean. Remember – you need not justification. Your character, your energy, how you carry yourself, how you do your job… that SPEAKS VOLUMES. There is no need to dive into defense and justification, and often that only perpetuates the problem. Of course, some situations do require direct, calm, clear communication to address certain issues if someone is wrongly blaming you or saying your work isn’t adequate or that you’ve done something incorrectly. You can stand up for yourself with calm and confidence. Otherwise, it’s a case of letting your behavior and your results you create in your work speak for themselves. And to keep it real… sometimes it’s also a case of assessing where you work and who you work with, and whether it’s a good environment or toxic. Sometimes tough choices have to be made, in order to allow ourselves to find spaces and places that are positive for us to work in. All the best! Bernadette
So should I not explain my mental illness to my bf’s friends in hopes they’ll be more supportive and understanding and less judgemental of me?
Hey June, yes by all means take the time to connect with people that are around you and share with them where you’re at, particularly if they are people you trust and you feel that they’re people you are comfortable sharing with. Just remember, that some people will “get it” and some people won’t, so you have to still make peace with the fact that any inability they have to be kind or to understand is not a reflection on you at all. It’s just a reflection of their own paradigm and where they are at. I hope that helps. Love and best wishes, Bernadette
Oh so good B! I now try and practice “No JADE” [no justifying, arguing, defending or explaining]. What you say at the end of the vid is so valid. If you know the truth, that’s all that matters. Saving this gem!
Thanks Sue. It’s a practice, right, some things still trigger me for sure, but I go back to my core truth as quickly as possible and live from that place. Heart led, not owned by the mind and ego! Big love, B
I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am for you Bernadette and all you have shared with the world. Your meditations and videos have been life changing for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Hey Daniela, oh that is so awesome to hear! I’m really happy to know the resources have been life changing for you. Thanks for being in our community and I look forward to sharing more with you. Love, B
Thank you! Some of this I knew, but the way you explained it was so good and opened my eyes to a few changes I can make to be more at peace about a situation
You’re very welcome Miranda. B:)
Thank you for this Bernadette. You’re so right about judgement only triggering you if you’re already raw! I’m usually very self-assured but I’ve been struggling with a situation this week and turned to an Internet forum for some advice, but I got horrifically abused instead! I was so upset I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t sleep – were all these people right about me? But I’ve realised (from talking to people who actually KNOW me) that if I was such an awful person like they said, I wouldn’t have been struggling so much with the situation in the first place. The only real mistake I made here was not trusting myself enough on this occasion, and opening myself up to a throng of strangers instead (which actually shows how much heart I have – assuming the best in people I don’t know).
I’ve learned a lot this week, and while painful, I can only grow from here – and that’s always a positive thing.
Thanks for sharing this Sarah, and well done on talking to people who know you, who you trust, and getting accurate perspective to help you move forward. I send big love your way!! Bx
Thank you for sharing this InSite. I also on most time when being judged “It roles off my back”. I always thought this was me “avoiding or ignoring the situation”. I never saw it “I’m confident within that situation” . I can see so much truth to that and is most helpful in validating myself instead of invalidating. Thank you!
You’re welcome, glad this was helpful! 🙂
“B”,
Are you ever available to discuss something with a reader? If not, I totally understand. I am presently being judged about something I did that was meant to show love and protection. I would love to discuss it with you if possible. Again, I understand if you do not have time.
“T”
Hey Tracey
Yes certainly, I do private coaching calls 1:1 to work through things exactly like this. It’s via Zoom (similar to Skype), super easy to connect via one click link. If you can email me at [email protected], I will reply back to you with all the details for coaching and connecting to help you with this situation you’ve mentioned. Love! B 🙂
Do you have a connection for the flip opposite? When you have a hard time keeping it in check of judging other people who’s values are affecting those you live your life to protect? Say, flip your situation and you saw a dog that actually was being abused. Or in my case, I get frustrated with others and have a hard time holding back when their parenting or relationships are shaming others? I want to stand up and protect them but they flip it like all I’m doing is judging them and I have no business. Maybe they are right and I’m just not seeing it???
Hey Alisha, I hear you. Yes I have a video on this, at the link below. Hope it’s helpful. Much love! B
https://www.bernadettelogue.com/how-to-stop-judging-others/
THANK U SO MUCH FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL VIDEO MAM ,IT HAS REALLY HELPED ME ALOT AS I AM DOING AN ENGLISH SPEECH ON JUDGEMENTAL SOCIETY .ITS SO TRUE WE CANT CHANGE THE WAY OTHERS THINK ABOUT US HOWEVER WE CAN BE SURE TO CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK .
A pleasure to share this with you! Warmest wishes, B
Difficult to say the least.
I’m an ancient transgender woman 85-year-old judged by my forty-two-year-old son as a waste of oxygen. Being judged can be excruciatingly painful, normal folk I ignore. Walk a mile in my shoes.
Hi Elizabeth, thank you for being here and for sharing your lived experience, and I’m sending you so much love. I hear you and while I can’t begin to know what you have walked in your life, I just want to say that my soul sees and acknowledges you and the love that you are.
Bx
Dear Bernadette
I have moments when people that normally have acknowledged me have stopped doing so. I guess they have heard something negative about me and the associated event or incident that I had moved on from it but during these instances of being ignored, I become very upset and sets me back. I ask myself why? Do they really matter? When it’s happened with work colleagues, I leave because I stand in my truth and won’t stay in place of bad culture – this has happened too many times over the years. I’m tired of not getting being able to get on with my life. I wonder what I’m doing wrong?
Hi Uma, I invite you to think about a new question, instead of “I wonder what I’m doing wrong”, ask yourself perhaps “What’s right about this?” (a great prompt I learned from Dr Kim D’Eramo). In life we learn the lesson that other people’s behavior is not about us, it’s not always the case that we need to to ask what we might have done (of course there are times when people react to us, and we can learn through interaction how to evolve ourselves, but trust your intuition, there are plenty of times when it will not be about you). If someone is not communicating with you, and you’re not sure why, and you feel like something has changed in the dynamic, you can reach out and ask, they may have stuff going on in their life. It’s very common that the mind can jump to conclusions or assumptions. Or if you feel they are being directly cold and something negative is being projected, indeed you can consider whether you want that type of energy in your life. Trust your heart, you know your heart and you know if you have something to change, adjust, evolve, learn from, whether to reach out and ask (valuable relationships that are worth resolving) or whether to walk away (people that are just not aligned). Bx