Struggling to deal with unsupportive family, loved ones, friends or colleagues, and they just don't “get you”?
It can be difficult to cope. You might feel isolated, alone or misunderstood. You might feel confused, frustrated or angry. Your confidence might have been knocked.
No matter what you're facing right now, or how you're feeling, here are 32 facts to support you and uplift you.
How to Deal with Unsupportive Family, Loved Ones, Friends or Colleagues
When people are unsupportive, remember:
Not everyone is going to like you, and it has nothing to do with you or your likability.
The world is not designed for us to have 7+ billion friends and 7+ billion supporters.
Your job is most definitely NOT to please everyone or to be understood by everyone.
It is natural to want to be understood and liked, but that is a want, not an inherent need. The sooner you distinguish this and let go, the sooner you will find peace within and power for your path forward.
You must live your life for yourself – not for other people.
THE BIG, BOLD & PAINFUL TRUTH THAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HEAR – Sometimes the unsupportive people who don't “get you” are your family and friends, and you have to go outside your normal networks to find your soul family and your like minded peeps who will support you in ways your family/friends can't. It doesn't make your family wrong. It doesn't make your friends wrong. It doesn't make you right. It just means you are different. We all have people in our lives for seasons, reasons or a lifetime. Each person in your life has different skills, capacities and paths to walk. They each have a contribution to make to you, and vice versa. Some people (even your family) are simply not equipped to be supportive of you for the path you are walking. That is a painful fact to hear for many people. But, the good news is that the Universe always puts people in your life to support you, but you don't get to choose where that support comes from. Sometimes you have to go outside the ones you most love in order to find the love you need right now. That is completely okay and a very common theme for many people. Once you surrender to this and open up in readiness to receive that support, you will find that new people naturally flow into your life (through synchronicity and coincidence – look for the signs!) who are the exact type of people you wanted and needed to “get you” and support you.
Never ask of someone more than they can give – sometimes you have to realise that people have a perspective and experience of life that is very different to your own (due to the way they have been raised and conditioned) which greatly influences how they love, support and advise others. They only know what they know at that moment, and you may need something that is beyond their capacity to give you. Stop fighting this truth and pushing to get blood from a stone, and love them just as they are – then turn your attention to your own path forward.
Your energy is best spent on fully and unapologetically expressing who you are (just as you are) without concern for whether people understand you or not, rather than expending your energy on pleasing others. Why? Because when you do express yourself fully and without concern, you will literally magnetically attract the people who most align to your values and energy, and as a result form a new network of inspiring, supportive and understanding people in your life (NOTE – you have to shine your true self and fearless energy in order for those supportive people to see your light and navigate towards you. Think of yourself like a lighthouse!)
The people you need to be connected to (the ones that you are here to serve/contribute to, and in turn the ones you are here to be supported/leveraged by) will “get you”. You must trust in this fact, they do exist. Trust that there is a bigger picture and a flow to life that carries you away from unsupportive people that limit you and toward the people that will love and unleash you.
Often you have to be willing to walk away from the unsupportive people who don't get you, in order to make room in your life (energetically) for the people you need to show up. This is an exchange of energy and space.
Your job in life is never to convince/persuade anyone of your worth and value. Your worth and value are inherent. Nothing you do or say, or don't do or say, or what anyone else says or believes is going to change that. So instead of convincing or persuading anyone of your worth, rather simply know your worth and live from it as a statement to the world. That statement is the most powerful thing. Let people make up their own mind when they witness you flying freely. NOTE – There is a massive difference between confidently and openly sharing your worth and value, versus trying hard to convince someone of your value (same type of words/conversation, totally different intent and energy behind it).
No one can see the real you if you are busy being fearful and stuck in negative energy, worrying about how to be understood, complaining about being misunderstood, and feeling unsupported and beat-up on by life. In that state, you invite criticism, as people see you wobbling and shaking and denying your own value, which opens you up to endless reams of unnecessary advice and opinions, when all you really needed was to believe in yourself!
Even if someone doesn't understand you, that doesn't mean they don't respect you. You can observe people in this world yourself that you really don't “get” (you don't understand how they think, how they operate or how it is they do what they do) and yet at the very same time it is entirely possible to still see their beauty, individuality, uniqueness and gifts.
When someone in your life is unsupportive and doesn't “get you” and they are someone who you love, value and want to have in your life, then take the time to help them understand you. People are not mind-readers, they will only know what they see, hear and what you share. So take the time to share with them very authentically – what you are about, what you value, what is important to you, why you do what you do, what you believe in and then let go… After sharing you must let go of the need to have them understand, and rest easy in the knowledge you have done all you can do and all that is asked of you – you are being your true self. If they still don't get you or support you, then honour yourself and walk away.
You never have to apologise for who you are, to ANYONE. You may do things that aren't ideal, you may make mistakes, you may express yourself in less than optimal ways if your emotions get the better of you… that is called being human. You can apologise for things you have done, and make amends if you've caused someone pain, but NEVER apologise for the heart of who you are. There is a big difference.
Being crazy, weird, different, outrageous, a dreamer, a believer, a trail blazer, an outlier, an oddity… is to be celebrated. Notice when you crave being ‘normal' in order to fit in and to gain acceptance – if you have to suffocate your soul (the real you) and adapt yourself into a societally accepted mould of ‘normal' in order to do so, then STOP. Walk away from anyone and anything that boxes you in and suppresses your “non-normal-ness”! Start every day with open eyes looking for the people who reflect your own values and freedom of expression and spend your time with them. If you can't see them in your own life currently, state that you are ready to meet these types of people and then pay attention in your daily life – because they will show up… it is just a matter of time. Perhaps you can't see them yet because you're so busy trying to be accepted by the unsupportive people you don't need in your life.
When it comes to making heart-led decisions to follow your own goals/dreams – be those personal or professional, be those small or big – you do not need to justify or explain those decisions to ANYONE. You cannot evidence or prove with fact what you simply know in your gut to be right for you… it's called intuition. Intuition is your best navigational tool and sometimes there is no explanation for where it leads you. It is your soul speaking to you, it guides you into your purpose in life. Intuition is just as valid and real as logic.
When authentically and courageously owning your purpose on this planet and doing what you know in your heart you are called to do… then in the face of anyone who judges you, who excludes you, who questions your logic, method or motive with negativity – remember, they are simply projecting their own pain. They have nothing to add and no value to offer you. Their negative energy is a reflection of their own inner blocks and their own life lessons to learn. You need not be drawn into that vortex. It is not your job to fix them, to change their minds, to help them or to be a victim of their barrage. Draw boundaries, cut ties, move on and you will always flow into the path of people who “get you” when you finally have the courage to remove those who don't.
When following your dreams, there will be people in your support network who give you advice and offer help. They will do so out of their love for you. Some of it will be invaluable. Some of it will be completely misguided and have the power to sabotage you. It most likely will come from the people who might “get you” personally but don't get what you are doing or why you are doing it. They may not understand that you are led by your inner voice. They will want to protect you from yourself, from making mistakes and from suffering unnecessary “failure” (their own scenario planning of all the ‘what ifs' that could occur as you step out bravely in your life). Their love for you is what lies behind this advice, but what also lies behind this is their own fear. Be peaceful in the face of their fear, it is not their fault. Fear has a way of taking over people. You can witness it and be loving, and then continue walking your path forward irrespective.
Don't try to change people. It is each individual persons decision and responsibility as to whether they evolve, whether they show love and compassion, whether they listen and support – you cannot force that upon people. You can share your insights without attachment to what the outcome will be when they hear you. You can offer to support them, without judgement if they do not want support. But each person must come to their own awakening in their own time. You can lead a horse to water but if you try to force it to drink it will become incredibly irritable and possibly stampede all over you!
The way you can best be of service to yourself, the world and those who don't understand you is to simply carry on your path with your head held high, not wavering in the face of challenges, opposition, questions and pain. Be a conqueror. Be a pioneer. Be a leader of your own life. Whoever comes with you on that journey is meant to. Whoever does not, was not.
The primary reason you want people to understand you is because you want reassurance that who you are is okay, that what you want to do is the “right” thing, and you want people to trumpet that support around you to make you feel more secure and sure on your path. You may want this, and most people do. But do not mistake want for need. You do NOT need that. You can forge a path of truth, passion, purpose, creativity, abundance and excitement, and live your full life and achieve your greatest potential and contribution into this world and not have one single person supporting you while you do so! It does not matter. What matters is that you did what you were put on this planet to do.
When you feel lonely, and you sense that no one is with you in your path, and you wish you were understood and that you had people around you to wrap you in love… remember this – there is a transition period that occurs when you step up to live as the real you, creating change and making new things happen (transforming inside of yourself or outside of yourself). In that transition period you step beyond the stories and limitations you once lived within, you step beyond the illusion of who you thought you were, what you thought was important and instead become more of who you really are underneath (deep in your heart – your soul self). Often when this happens you start to notice that the people you spent most of your time with before suddenly do not resonate with you or you do not resonate with them. It can feel lonely. That is very normal. As you transition, you will flow into new people that resonate with you and you will form new networks more aligned to your purpose and your values. It is does NOT mean that new connections replace your existing network. It means your network grows. You enrich your life with more love and more people. You will have those who knew you before who do not get the ‘new you'. You will have those that have known you always and stayed with you on your path (embracing you in all stages of your evolution – personally or professionally). And, you will have those who you meet on the other side of your transformation and transition. The more the merrier!
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS PLEASE PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS POINT – When you realise people in your network (family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues) don't get you and don't support you, there is a moment where you are faced with two options. Your courageous heart and your “soul reason” for being alive would choose one option, while your fear and need for acceptance and belonging would choose the other. Here are the options – (A) You play small. You stay quiet. You silence your voice. You ignore your knowing. You avoid standing out. You toe the line. You align your life to keep the peace. You make other people's expectations the guiding force of your life. You do what it takes not to ‘rock the boat', to ensure acceptance, to stay with the crowd. You cling to the desire to be liked and supported (even if by people you really don't need to be liked or supported by!). You forgo you own needs, or (B) You play a big game and walk life in total alignment with your own inner voice and values. You say what you believe. You lovingly express what you know to be true for you. You realise that staying small would suffocate your soul and keep you from succeeding in your purpose/career/profession and personal life. You realise that the price you pay for standing out and no longer ‘fitting' within your existing familiar network of people is a small price to pay in order for you to live the life you were put here to live. You have this ONE life, it is fleeting in the scheme of all of eternity – so what the freaking heck are going to do with it? Please, please, please – play a big game. The world needs people just like you to stand up and choose option B.
Don't let anyone be a handbrake to your inner peace, freedom and success. EVER. Give people the chance to evolve with you. If you love them dearly, give them plenty of room to grow and give them multiple opportunities to know the real you and to make choices about what that means for them. But, over the long term and with the bigger picture view, do not let them chain you to old ways of being and old habits of doing. Life is too short to be shackled. Trust your intuition, you will know when it is time to release the handbrake.
Your thriving and success, when executed from absolute authenticity, integrity and completely aligned to your intuition, is NEVER of disservice to anyone. The notion that you doing what is best for your mind/body/soul is somehow selfish or in any way the “wrong” thing for someone else, is downright BS. Do not be upset if you have bought into that BS illusion in the past, simply know that you have greater awareness now and it's time to offload the weight you've been carrying and to embrace your freedom.
Never second guess yourself, stay anchored in what you know is real. Write it down and come back to it whenever you feel wobbly. By all means take on board valuable advice, feedback and input from others (the ones who you value), and use that to improve your knowledge, uncover your own wisdom, unlock new perspectives for yourself and adjust your course accordingly, but notice that is different from taking on negativity and fear from others and suffering blockages in your success as a result.
Everyone will have an opinion, and many people will try to force you to live in alignment with their opinions. Opinions are aligned to beliefs. Everyone believes different things. You will never satisfy everyone, nor align to everyone's beliefs and their view of the world and who they “think you should be”. And none of that matters. You were not born to meet the expectations of others. You were born to meet your soul's purpose and that is all.
If you do that confidently, the naysayers and fear mongers will dissolve away because they will simply no longer align to your energy, and who/what shows up on your radar in life is DIRECTLY in alignment with your energy.
Take the emotional pain of not being understood by unsupportive people and use it as fuel for your mission to live in alignment with your truth and to create the goals/dreams that are most meaningful to you. Show yourself you can do it, no matter what any one else says. Add the pain to your sense of purpose, and let that combined energy catapult you forward.
Do not be afraid to own your power. You have the heart and courage of a lion, you may simply not be used to using it.
No matter how many unsupportive people there are in your life right now, remember there is only one voice to truly listen to. That voice lies within you. Everything else is noise.
If someone isn't getting you or supporting you, I want to support you 100% so click here to join our tribe. We have people from all over our beautiful planet who are like-minded and you'll be a part of our community.
To share your thoughts, questions or experiences, please do leave a comment below.
Unsupportive Family Quotes
Here are 3 quotes that I hope bring you a sense of comfort. Please know you are not alone if you are feeling unsupported, unseen or misunderstood, particularly by family members. You are welcome here in our community at BernadetteLogue.com.
- “When you inherit a broken family, you can't throw it away and get a new one. What you can do is find people and situations that provide for you what your family cannot.” — Iyanla Vanzant.
- “You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them… but still move on without them.” – Mandy Hale
- “Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel, energies are contagious.” – Rachel Wolchin
B, this is an awesome post. Thanks for pointing me back to it 🙂
You’re very welcome! 🙂
This was absolutely encouraging and comforting….knowing that there are times we have to ‘march to the beat of our own drums’ although it can be a not so crowded place…no one waving us on save ourselves.
Hi, thanks for reading and sharing here, and glad to hear this was comforting as a reminder. With love! B
Thanks for forwarding a link to this post B! So many points resonated with me:
I see where my energy is best spent on who I am rather than trying to please others.
I am doing my soul a dis-service by playing small.
I was not born to meet the expectation of others.
Do not be afraid of my own power.
I have the heart and courage of a lion, may simply not be using it.
I will refer to this post often – Thank you!
Do not be afraid of my own power.
Such a relevant post for me – Thank you!
You’re very welcome Guy, glad this post was helpful for you. Best wishes! B
You’re wonderful B. Thanks for this masterpiece.
You’re welcome. Best wishes! B
Thank you Bernadette, this post is truly inspirational reading. This is how I am living my life and hoping my adult children will continue to live theirs. When faced with self doubt or uncertainty I will re read your words.
Hi Sue, I am so glad this was helpful for you. Sending warmest wishes to you and your family. With love, Bernadette
This is absolutely a heart-touching and incredible post. I am currently going through a difficult time, and this post has really helped me realise that I owe myself my own happiness. Thank you so much!
Hi Jay, thank you for your message. More power to you… yes you deserve your own happiness! Glad you connected with this post at a time when it was useful for you. Wishing you well. Bernadette
This is possibly one of the best pieces of self development writing I have ever read and I have read a lot. Just what I needed to hear, thank you. Especially feeling as though I was pushed aside by 2 “friends” and more than that in the last year. It feels as though they’ve been dropping like flies ? But I do see why, using your knowledge and guidance, that they are not best for my path. I’m glad they’ve dropped off, as it never really flowed. It’s just that I’m 42 and feel as though I have never had many decent friends. Probably due to experiences in school with friendships and since. I’m hoping some new ventures will bring a genuine friendship ? Thanks again B x
Hi Sophie, so glad that this article resonated with you and was helpful. You might enjoy this vlog I did on “finding your tribe”, it seems to be timely for what you are experiencing… https://www.bernadettelogue.com/finding-your-tribe/ I will hold the intent and energy with you for your life to be filled with genuine friendships, with like-minded and soulful connections! Love, B
Feel like I’m only wanted when I can help support family and friends. I hate being used. If it wasn’t for my mother committing suicide and know how the blame of her death was put on me and having to deal with the after affects is the only reason of following her and leaving my son with those feelings has stpoped me so far, but unless I contact him he doesn’t seem to want to know me. So. What am I waiting for. At this moment in time, I don’t know. I’ve 2 dogs who I feel responsible for, but with only benifts coming in I’m afraid if they become ill, my only choice would be to give them up . Then life is totally nothing.
Dearest Anne, thank you so much for being here and sharing what you’re going through, and please know we care, and we send you SO much love. There is ALWAYS hope and always a way through, even if you can’t see it right now. You have a deep strength within you, and you are needed in this world! You are wanted whether you or not you do things to support other people, while those family and friends close to you right now may not be supportive, there are LOTS of people out here in the world that do care and are supportive and can be there for you. You’ve been through a lot, dealing with the loss of your mother. We have many free resources here on the website to support you, including guided audios that when used daily morning and night can help to remind you that you are loved, wanted, needed and that there is hope. I have put a link below to one free audio that thousands of people have used and say makes a real difference with getting through dark times and finding hope.
In some small way I hope this will support you. Stay in touch, messages us on our blogs, audios, videos etc and we will reply. Sometimes it takes a couple of days (my deepest apologies that we didn’t reply sooner to your comment). You’re a member of our community here at BernadetteLogue.com and we will always be here to share messages of hope and support for your journey. If you have a local community service where you live, I highly recommend you reach out to them as well, having both online and in-person support. It’s really important to share how you feel right now so people that care can be there to help you through. Most locations have some type of hotline or in-person community center.
Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.
With much love, Bernadette & BernadetteLogue.com team
I’m going through what I think is a transformative period in my life and this article has been very inspirational to me. It says everything I want to hear. Thanks for posting this.
Hey Rhodri, so glad to know this was helpful for you. Sending love to you through this transformative time. Love, Bernadette
Thank you so much for recommending this article. I will keep it as a reminder for my new paradigm . Thank you again,
You’re very welcome. Love, B
Thank you. Your insights are always so helpful. Especially now while going through a painful life experience.
You’re very welcome. Sending best wishes!
I really appreciate this post, so helpful. Thank you
So glad it was helpful for you. B 🙂
Thank you so much B for all your fantastic resources like this, it really is appreciated. Much love to you.
It’s such a pleasure to provide the resources Malcolm. Namaste. B
This post awoke my soul in so many ways. I’m crying as I write this. Thank you!
So glad this was stirring for your soul, and I send much love to you! B 🙂
I have tried explaining my needs to Dominic but he wouldn’t listen so I had to end the friendship with him and a month later I met Roger who totally understands what it means to be a friend I guess this isn’t really the same situation though maybe he just needs time to grow up and figure out what friendship really is then a year later Dominic talked to me he acted like he didn’t do anything wrong when he betrayed my trust by not being there for me when I needed him to be he wasn’t really a true friend so I finally spelled it out for him that I don’t do casual friendships not now not ever that’s just part of who I am after my dad died six years ago I started having different needs in friendships and casual friendships just don’t do it so I have no room for casual friends
Thanks for sharing, and it’s good you were able to be honest and communicate the issue you had and what you really need in your life. It’s good to be clear on the type of relationships that do and don’t work for you, and to have boundaries around that. Wishing you peace and flow. B
xxx | xxx | xxx | xxx | xxx
Hi friends, how is everything, and what you would like to say on the topic of this paragraph, in my view its truly remarkable designed for me.
Glad this was helpful for you. Best wishes!
Thank you, very much needed this right now! Going through a very transformational time working towards big life goal to change our lifestyle. Not much support, but we know in our hearts and our inner voice that we are doing the right thing for us and that’s all that matters.
Sending love your way Lucy!
Literally one of the most useful and well written articles I have ever read. And I’m searching a lot!
Thank you immensely, you are a gift.
So glad this was helpful for you Shannon.
Thanks for your message. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead!
This is such great evergreen content. I was so upset, so feeling down when I start reading, and right away I felt better and by the end of the reading, I felt brand new. Thank you so much!!
Glad this was helpful for you! B 🙂
My mom’s side of the family has narcissism being passed down, shows up in all the toxic family issues, and no one is aware why all the problems exist in these families, but there’s sub-conscious programming that’s far reaching, I started studying the mind/sub-con mind and had a lite-bulb moment.
The only family I have left (an aunt & cousin) that communicates will at least answer my call; however, I can still see the programming…needing some help as I’m in a financial situation & looking for a job, I have interviews lined up but my car unexpectantly went into the shop, they did speak with me but didn’t offer any help. These are people who have money & time and are 10 minutes away, but hey. It’s funny, cause if even a stranger let me know they were in a tight jam and had a couple of interviews lined-up without a car at the moment, they wouldn’t even have to ask, I would help anyone trying to help themselves, it wouldn’t even have to be family.
The only thing I now understand is that most bad/odd behavior is programming, and unconscious, they were programmed badly. At least all I can say is I recognize now what’s going on and I will never treat another human like this. I have become very aware of people’s behavior and all I can manage is my own.
Hey Julie, thanks for sharing and your insights from what you’ve learned along the way in dealing with this patterning/programming in your family. It’s a testament to your character and awareness that you want to take this experience and use it to fuel you treating others in conscious and kind ways, and to focus on what you can control/manage. Sending much love to you! B